Did that get your attention? Calm down...nothing bad happened to me. But I had this new experience relative to food. It was totally opposite of my 'normal'.
I, the person who has spent the last 20 years trying to talk myself out of eating, was trying to talk myself into eating and was unsuccessful!!!
This phenomenon took place yesterday. I was planning to make a favorite snack--an ethnic one from India--Chivda. It is a combination of grains--I use corn and rice, i.e. Corn Flakes and Rice Krispies--and a masala--which just means a mixture of spices--of sweet/sour/hot/salty.
I make it instead of buying it because the purchased product is not readily available and I'm able to reduce the fat content without losing the taste I love. And I can make a single serving portion, which is a aid to control my intake.
So there I was, all day yesterday, planning on making it at some point in the day for a snack. (It goes great with a cup of hot tea. It is sometimes referred to as a 'teatime snack'.) I had a real head hunger for it. But I kept putting it off. That made me wonder--made me think: "this is very odd for me". All day I thought about that snack, looking forward to consuming it.
Finally, around 9 pm -- after hubby had gone to bed because he had to get up very early--I thought "now I'll make my beloved Chivda". But I kept putting it off. Kept finding other things that needed doing first. I was puzzled at myself. I wanted that Chivda in my head. The thought that kept bouncing around in my head was "but I'm not hungry".
Not being hungry has *NEVER ever* ever *ever* in the last 20 or so years stopped me from eating something I wanted. Eating when I'm not physically hungry is the rule, not the exception in my life.
I went back and forth in my head thinking--"I'm going to make it. But I'm not hungry" It was like a little exchange between two people. Both of them the inner me. Finally I said to myself--forget it--you can make it tomorrow.
Analysis? I wanted a food emotionally, on a head level. But on a physical level, I wasn't hungry--and couldn't bring myself to make/eat it.
What gives? My take is that the 'head' work I began January 2007 is working.
In fact--these past few weeks, all through the holiday season--I've been paying more attention to my physical body signals and aligning them with head thoughts which concentrate on categories of food like protein, carb and fat, and in the carb category focusing on fruits and veggies.
It goes like this:
I'm hungry. What shall I eat? Well, I need some protein. So I make a choice for that. Now I need to add in some carbs--how am I going to get in a couple of servings in the fruit/veg category? Fat is added in limited amounts as is simple carbs. I choose portion sizes that are "small normal". And I eat without giving much thought to the specific calories.
While I haven't lost the weight I regained--it was about 7 pounds--my weight has remained stable. And I've had this new development--NOT BEING ABLE TO TALK MYSELF INTO EATING SOMETHING I WANTED (as in head hunger) when I wasn't physically hungry.!!!
Folks, I haven't had this experience in years. I'm hoping it's a trend that will continue. I'm hoping that what I have been doing is reshaping my relationship with food. I'm hoping that the long term result will yield a smaller, healthier me. One who is not obsessed with weight loss but possessed with the natural ability to eat like a 'normal' person.
I plan to make that Chivda today. We'll see what happens.
"....there have been many times when I have shed bitter tears, when if I had understood the situation better, I would have celebrated my good luck instead."