In years past, that rut got really dark..it was a deep rut. But things have changed. Granted I'm in a rut, but I have hopes and intentions of climbing out.
Here's the thing. Even though I don't appear to be making any headway on the scale, as in moving closer to my goal, I have made major progress. I've come to this point in my thinking: quitting is no longer an option.
All my life, when I'd be unsuccessful in my weight loss efforts, I'd reach a really hard place and I'd quit---just give up, throw in the towel and eat, eat, eat. If the scale wasn't moving down I'd think " I'm not going to restrict my food intake--what's the point?". Likely, in my frustration and discouragement, I even ate food I didn't want--just because I "could". Having thrown off the diet I was free. Having no diet restricting me equals no restraint. And I exercised none.
The thing that is different now---that has changed ---is my thinking. When I quit the diet mentality and began to rethink my relationship with food I entered a new phase. In this phase quitting is not an option. There's nothing to quit.
Once I realized that my problem is eating too much food calorie wise I also discovered the solution. And that solution is to eat less food. Some days that is not so easy. Diets don't work. So, what does work? It's this: understanding that giving up is not an option.
In the past I was able to just quit. Now I can't. Why?
I have ever present in my head, these reminders: the miserable feeling I get when my gut is stuffed; the loathing and self recrimination that will follow; the clothing in my wardrobe that I won't be able to wear; the sadness that I can't "overcome" my problem, that once again I've given in; the loss of joy because I'm unable to enjoy the food I'm eating because fluttering around the edges of my thinking are the reminders personified-- whispering loudly the "you'll be sorry" message.
This host of thoughts, one might even call it the voice of reason, has become the restrainer. "It" speaks to me--and "it" doesn't go away. "It" hounds me so to speak. "It" won't get off my back, won't leave me alone. The diet, I could quit, toss in the trash. But the voice of reason? It presses me, presses in, forces me to face the consequences of my choices and it won't relent. Once reckoned, it can't be escaped.
It appears I'm connecting the dots ...that overeating leads to things I don't want. I always knew that--the knowledge was there in my head--but it had little effect. It was a case of knowing a thing, but it not mattering when it came right down to it. Because it was only the possibility, not the reality. The change now is that I'm able imagine, to feel, to experience the awfulness of those unwanted consequences without having done the deed.
So quitting is no longer an option. It's off the table--the burden of the result should I quit is more than I can bear. Therefore I trudge ahead, with the belief that as I persevere I will figure it out, and eventually I will progress downward on the scale.
BECAUSE I WON'T GO BACK "THERE" MY ONLY OPTION IS TO MOVE FORWARD