" For, lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone; the flowers appear on the earth; the time of the singing of birds is come, and the voice of the turtle is heard in our land. " Song of Solomon

October 5, 2008


The past 3 days have been a bust. I've been eating past my calorie allotment--even though I'm not hungry. Arrrrrgh....Why do I do that? Honestly, I haven't got a clue. Which only serves to frustrate me and compel me to eat even more.

It seems when I "feel" out of control--which has been my feeling of late--I have no resolve. I feel helpless--a victim of whatever "it" is spinning me about, causing me to be discombobulated, rendering me unable to get any traction to stop "it" and get back on the path toward my goal. I feel like I'm in free fall, spinning about, totally without control. "It" carries me like a tidal wave toward looming disaster--to my way of thinking--where I will crash and burn. I need a parachute.

I awaken today, saying mentally, this is the day I attach, get some traction, put it in gear and head away from disaster making quick tracks. Can I prevail today over "it"? I don't know.

And until I can figure out what is really going on I am bound to repeat this behavior. Trying to stop "it" has been futile. How do you stop "it" when you don't even know what "it" is. For sure "it" is the enemy--one of many--that plagues me in my weight loss efforts. "It" has always been operative--that is why I've regained all the weight I've ever lost. Success comes to me, but it never stays. I couldn't maintain my success then, and I'm finding I'm having the same difficulty now.

And I'm well aware of what causes my downfall--eating more calories than my body needs to maintain its weight. But why now? Why back when?

I firmly believe it is something in my subconscious thinking driving me. My behavior is led by that thinking, my intention is set by that thinking. But what the heck am I thinking?!!!! Help! I need that parachute now--a tactic, a strategy, a clue..anything..something..*sigh*.

I refuse to throw in the towel, give up, at this point. I'm running out of years. The quitting tactic did not serve me well. So I've got to continue. But if I continue as I've always done I'm going to end up in the same place. I want to arrive in the land of "slimmed down", normal BMI...finally...and I want to stay in that country...live there--not just visit it.
"....there have been many times when I have shed bitter tears, when if I had understood the situation better, I would have celebrated my good luck instead."


I am not a doctor and all information, suggestions, etc are my personal opinion only.