Of late I’ve realized I’m a food binger. I’d always thought those who binged ate huge volumes of food. Like a whole pizza and a whole 2 liter Coke followed by a half dozen donuts--all in one sitting .
But a binge can consist of smaller volumes of food. It’s the compulsion to eat and the inability to stop eating, even though your head and heart desire that you do so. You just can’t..you are compelled to continue…and when you finally do stop you are unable to eat any more at that point. And you don’t know why you arrived at the stopping point, or why it came so late, only that it did. Why couldn’t it come sooner, when you wanted it to?
What drives that compulsion? Something is driving it. Why does it have power over me? Do I give it the power? Perhaps indirectly. But on purpose--no way. In my conscious thinking I’m fighting it, begging it to stop---to release me. Beating myself up for being weak..trying to analyze what is going on with me. Is there something wrong with me that I can’t quit after 2 cookies?
When I do stop at 2 and put them away and walk away--they call my name. They taunt me until I go back to them and indulge in more eating. Followed by regret and guilt and self loathing. (Remember the commercial “no one can eat just one!”--the seed has been planted that we are incapable and we accept it.)
If I am truly a weak willed person, why doesn’t it show up in other areas of my life? My house is spotless. I’m always on time; I always do what I say I’ll do unless providentially hindered. I work hard. I’m honest. I never waste money…I can keep to a budget with no problem. I’m not tempted to purchase on impulse.
But when it comes to food--something is amiss. Why didn’t I realize this sooner? Because I didn’t recognize the problem. I thought my weight was the problem. But it wasn’t. My weight is a symptom of the problem. Food and my relationship with food is the problem. Whether I’m overeating 500 calories a day or 5,000---overeating is overeating.